Getting back to basics today.
Digging in the dirt.
Turning the wet soil over, revealing earthworms gray-pink and squirmy.
Filthy fingernails, muddy boots.
Sore shoulders and sweaty brow.
Seeds planted. Future sowed.
Just an hour in the sun. A few giggles from an innocent mouth.
Fresh perspective, spirit renewed.
It’s the little things, the very small every day things that make a life. A collection of seemingly insignificant moments that make the heart of childhood beat sweet and true.
I keep going back and forth… From being glued to the tv and reading updates on Twitter and online to turning the tv off and walking away from my phone. I am battling both a need to block it out and a feeling of being obligated to keep watching, keep reading, so I can somehow share the burden and carry my part of this heavy load.
Except that’s not how it works. Watching the news and shedding tears for an 8 year old little boy waiting for his dad at the finish line neither brings that little boy back, nor eases the pain for his family. Perhaps the outpouring of support and prayers from strangers brings a small amount of comfort to Martin Richard’s family, but nothing short of that boy being back on this earth will ever be enough. Seeing the same clips over and over again will not restore limbs or life. Feeling this shared heartbreak that has washed over our nation will not be a balm for those fighting injuries that may last a lifetime.
So why do we do it to ourselves? Why do we insist on watching the same news clips, hearing the same sound bites, and putting ourselves through the emotional turmoil of the repetitive horror if all it does is break us down and weigh heavy on our hearts?
Because we need answers. We need to know why this happened, who has done this, and to what end. The thing is…. answers to those questions won’t make a difference. We’ll never understand why and it will never make sense. Putting a name and face to the these terrible deeds will never be able to heal our hearts.
So what can we do? What can we do that will help fill in these cracks and voids that yesterday left behind?
We can look for the good.
Sometimes it’s hard to see. Sometimes you have to dig through a lot of bad and a lot of sad to find it. But I promise you, it’s there.
It’s the first responders who ran toward the mayhem and the danger, who ignored basic human instincts that tell us to save ourselves and get out while we can. They run in while everyone else runs out.
It’s the runners who kept on running to go donate blood. It’s the people of Boston who took strangers into their homes. It’s the doctors and the nurses who cared for the victims and tirelessly worked through the day and the night.
It’s in us. In all of us who care enough to watch, care enough to cry, and care enough to go on and find the good so that in the end, the light beats out the darkness.
Find the good. Be the good.
Eleanor and I have another trip coming up in a couple of weeks. And like most of our past trips, it will just be the two of us on the plane together. Flying as a solo parent means packing her into the Ergo (lifesaver), slinging a bag over my shoulder and hauling her car seat (and sometimes an extra carry on bag) through check-in, security, trams, and terminals. You think that sounds challenging? We haven’t gotten to the actual flight with a toddler yet!
You’d think after doing this several times (3 months, 8 months, and 15 months) I’d feel more confident, but traveling with a baby carries that risk of a meltdown or tantrum. It’s always in the back of my mind that this time it will be my child that is inconsolable due to pressure changes and pain in her ears or frustration from not being able to move around as much as she wants.
In order to ward off any of these nightmare-ish events, I usually pack new activities or books and a few special snacks to keep her occupied. I’ve been collecting little things over the last week or two to throw in my purse, but after she once again pulled out an old make-up bag of mine from the bathroom cabinet, I had an even better idea! I decided to use the bag as her own little travel case. It’s the perfect size to put in my oversized purse and I won’t have to dig and dig and dig for her snacks and books.
Clockwise from top: Purple Carrot and Blueberry Happy Baby Puffs, Go-Go Squeez Berry Apple pouch, Nature’s Bakery All Natural Whole Wheat Fig Bars (yum!), Alphabet stickers, Dr. Seuss’s Amazing ABC book, zoo animal stickers, $1 notebook from Michael’s, $1 Hello Kitty Crayons in a Michael’s gift card tin, Lalaloopsy Invisible Ink activity book (no clue what Lalaloopsy is and they’re kind of creepy, but I liked the idea of invisible ink!), Barbara’s Bakery Snackimals, Munchkin Traveling Flashcards, $1 Minnie Mouse Coloring and Sticker book, $1 Calculator (Eleanor loves to punch the buttons and also likes to pretend it’s a cell phone), and a pacifier leash.
After cleaning out the old make up bag, I packed up all of these goodies and they fit perfectly! I know the snacks will be a hit since they fall in the “treat” category at our house and I think her recent obsession with letters will make the alphabet stickers and flashcards a hit. Coloring is a real hit-or-miss activity with her, but it’s an easy addition.
Ta-da! All packed up and ready for our adventure!
8/52
A photo of my child once a week, every week.
This is life with Eleanor. She is constantly making us laugh with her silly antics. I don’t know how she can exhibit a strong sense of humor at 19 months, but she does.
7/52
A photo of my child once a week, every week.
This is my cop-out photo and I’m hoping I don’t ever have to resort to my iphone for these photos again.
I do love this picture, though. I inherited a set of pretty teacups and saucers when my great-aunt died about 10 years ago. They’ve traveled with me to every house I’ve lived in between then and now, but rarely do I use them for tea. I filled the cups with flowers for Eleanor’s first birthday party but otherwise they haven’t seen much action besides sitting on display on various shelves or glass-fronted cabinets.
I decided to take out two cups and saucers the other day to have a real tea party with Eleanor. I brewed a little pot of tea and we sat at her tiny table together, sharing tea and a snack. She sat nicely and attempted to drink out of the cup herself and managed to get most of it in her mouth instead of on her shirt.
Every time we do something new like this, I can’t help but smile because I know it’s a moment I’ll look back on through the years. From now on, when I bring down the delicate pink and white cups from the very top shelf I’ll remember the very first afternoon we sat down to tea together.
I know she’s too young to remember our first tea party together, but I’ll never forget. There are always two sides of parenting; the experience of the child and that of the parent. Creating traditions for the both of us and whatever children may follow is one of my favorite things about being a mother.
6/52
A photo of my child once a week, every week.
An outtake of our Valentine shoot.
5/52
A photo of my child once a week, every week.
Playing catch up as usual!
Our zoo trip… I love this sleeping baby with her dummy (pacifier) because I know it’s one of the last things that makes her a “baby.”
Currently. (Inspired by Dani Hampton at Sometimes Sweet http://sometimessweet.blogspot.com/) Reading: I’ve just recently finished 2 books that I know I’ll be reading again at some point. Tell The Wolves I’m Home by Carol Rifka Brunt Everything Beautiful Began After by Simon Van Booy I read a fair amount of adolescent lit (blame my English Lit/Education majors for that) so it’s a lot of quick, almost guilty pleasure reading. My love affair with historical fiction also follows that pattern. I tend to devour books in those genres. It’s rare that I find a balance of both wanting to absorb every word immediately, with as much speed as possible to soak it all up, and appreciating each carefully crafted sentence, paragraph, and chapter with a need to savor every little bit because I know what I’m reading is GOOD. “Tell The Wolves I’m Home” is a book I enjoyed for the story and the complexity of the characters and wanting to delve deeper into greater understanding of who they were. With “Everything Beautiful Began After”, it was more like an exquisite buffet of words. (The further I go with this paragraph, the more it feels like I’m describing food!) The writing in that book, the crafting of sentences and story is what made it memorable. I love when I read something that was written with true artistry. Watching: Well, since season 3 of Downton Abbey is over (why?!) I haven’t been watching anything particularly enthralling. So, I’ve found myself watching E even more carefully and observing her interaction with the world around her. We spent a sunny day with my brother and it is pretty heart warming to see this 20-something dude interact so sweetly with his niece. Seeing my daughter with my siblings and parents has been one of the biggest joys of parenting. Playing: We are finally getting to the arts & crafts age! I’m a little bit crafty and like to do creative things from time to time, so I am simply loving this new turn of events! I’ve set up a little cubby station full of art supplies for Eleanor and she has been increasingly interested in “dawing” and “paining”. Granted, I’ve already found some crayon “dawings” on the refrigerator and her toys, but nothing that can’t be cured with soap and water. We have some paint with water books that create puddles on her little table and I made homemade play dough for her which she tried to feed to the dog, but whatever. This is the beginning of so many afternoons creating memories and art work together and it makes me happy. Knowing: At 19 months, every day is still new. New words, new skills, new sparks of her personality glowing through the stubborn sassy girl she’s been since day one. New ways to communicate, to share, new ways to be together and new ways to find how to be a good mama. Her needs change every day as she tries to navigate toddlerhood and we try to define what kind of behavior is acceptable and how to deter her from things that are not. She is still dependent in numerous ways, especially as she walks the fine line of discovery and learning things the hard way. I’m always there with a watchful eye, but I try to let her find her own way and learn from her missteps. I know this time is both fleeting and permanent. She will forever be walking her own path, one that has been leading her away from me since the second she was born. And I have only this small, limited time that I am here to offer safe boundaries and gentle guidance. Where I am still the light in her eye and able to meet every physical and emotional need. This is both terrifying and enormously fulfilling. So, I relish it. I watch her with happy and heavy heart, proud and a tiny bit heartbroken with each milestone met. I keep wondering when this parenting thing gets old. Yes, it’s hard. And it can be tedious. But there hasn’t been a night in the last 19 months that I haven’t wanted to go scoop her from her bed and give her one more kiss, one more cuddle, and say once again, “you are the apple of my eye and the joy of my heart.”
Everything Beautiful
Began After
Sometimes you find a book that as you read it, you just know it will continue to resonate long after you turn the final page.
I found myself re-reading paragraphs and sentences, speaking the words aloud to hear them somewhere besides my own head.
Truly a beautifully written book.
Hi! I'm Sarah, mama to Eleanor who was born in July of 2011. Read along as I navigate stay-at-home motherhood!
